I really wanted magic to exist. Not the abracadabra stuff. But something spiritual, mystical and transcendent. We’re told that the key to seeing these things is belief, that doubt shuts the door to the miraculous. And if I have faith but still don’t see, well then I just don’t have enough of it.
I don’t know how I could have shown more faith. I put everything I had into it, not just personal convictions and thoughts, but I also dedicated my profession to it. My bachelor degree is in Bible and my master is Divinity. I lived in the barren plains and worked long hours for small churches. I endured sadness, loneliness, and sickness because I believed that one day if I just had faith I would no longer be sad, lonely, and sick. And even when I questioned the validity of my belief, I toiled on and hoped that all the good things would come after I died.
And then I stopped believing.
Enough is enough.
But I haven’t stopped searching and seeing. I can drive an hour to Cocoa Beach where I walk on the side of a huge ocean full of mystery. A little further down the road at Cape Canaveral, NASA sends up telescopes, satellites, and people for deeper glimpses of the cosmos. Or instead of a telescope, I can get a microscope and look more at the smallest building blocks of matter. Or I can walk the aisles of the library surrounded by the thoughts of humanity.
Speaking of which, there are fascinating people who come from all over the world with different accents, traditions, clothing, food, and art. And I’m not forgetting myself, where with pen and paper I can explore my own fears, biases, loves, and passions.
Perhaps it’s better to observe what’s there rather than insist on the existence of things that aren’t there.
*Photo by David Mercer. A rocket thruster at Kennedy Space Center.