From Believing to Seeing


I really wanted magic to exist. Not the abracadabra stuff. But something spiritual, mystical and transcendent.  We’re told that the key to seeing these things is belief, that doubt shuts the door to the miraculous.  And if I have faith but still don’t see, well then I just don’t have enough of it.

I don’t know how I could have shown more faith. I put everything I had into it, not just personal convictions and thoughts, but I also dedicated my profession to it.  My bachelor degree is in Bible and my master is Divinity. I lived in the barren plains and worked long hours for small churches.  I endured sadness, loneliness, and sickness because I believed that one day if I just had faith I would no longer be sad, lonely, and sick. And even when I questioned the validity of my belief, I toiled on and hoped that all the good things would come after I died.

And then I stopped believing.

Enough is enough.

But I haven’t stopped searching and seeing. I can drive an hour to Cocoa Beach  where I walk on the side of a huge ocean full of mystery.   A little further down the road at Cape Canaveral, NASA sends up telescopes, satellites, and people for deeper glimpses of the cosmos.  Or instead of a telescope, I can get a microscope and look more at the smallest building blocks of matter. Or I can walk the aisles of the library surrounded by the thoughts of humanity.

Speaking of which, there are fascinating people who come from all over the world with different accents, traditions, clothing, food, and art. And I’m not forgetting myself, where with pen and paper I can explore my own fears, biases, loves, and passions.

Perhaps it’s better to observe what’s there rather than insist on the existence of things that aren’t there.

*Photo by David Mercer. A rocket thruster at Kennedy Space Center.

13 thoughts on “From Believing to Seeing

  1. Me too! I tried so hard for more than 40 years but I couldn’t make it work either. In the end the dissonance cracked beneath my feet and POOF I stopped believing and started seeing too ~ the freedom is indescribable! Thank you for sharing David x

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  2. While, we fundamentally disagree on a few points, I think its important, to learn, feel, relax and observe the beauty of the blessings we have in life. Creations, anew daily, and millions of new experiences to be experiencing. But, for the record, magic does exist. It’s in the wonder of a child’s first smile, it’s in every new experience, that leaves you in wonder, and awe. There is something to be said in enjoying the mystery, of the unknown. The stars are quite lovely on a clear night, along the shore filled with the call of the ocean. Take a walk and enjoy!

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  3. Davis, you said, “We’re told that the key to seeing these things is belief, that doubt shuts the door to the miraculous. And if I have faith but still don’t see, well then I just don’t have enough of it.”

    The canned statements/responses really get to me now.

    “It’s God’s will.”

    “Oh, He answers, just sometimes (always) says no.”

    “Just keep praying.”

    Self deluding thought processes to explain why things don’t work as the Bible says the will. Will…not should. Answers to absolve God of lying to us, to give Him a way out. If our prayers seem to go no higher than the ceiling it’s because they don’t.


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  4. Yep. It’s painful, isnt it, to reach that conclusion?

    We were taught to let our yes mean yes and no mean no, but we don’t want to hold God to that same standard.


  5. Just before I read this, I read this very interesting and somewhat related post from someone I am friends with via the Radical Orthodoxy FB page. He also shares a view of the cosmos, and I found it (also) rather comforting.

    Here is an excerpt, then a link to the page– it references Boethius’ Lady Philosophy.

    Lady Philosophy is helping Boethius understand why it appears that the wicked have so much power and do so well on Earth. It is because our perspective is off. Dictators and other wicked, but seemingly powerful men, do not belong here. Or more, they do, insofar as the Earth stands as that place furthest from God, because they do not recognize that their true home resides in God. It is a matter of perspective, that once righted (by ascending to God and returning to Earth) shines a new light on all that we experience in the sublunary sphere.

    Liked by 1 person

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