I don’t think I can do funerals anymore. It has been an honor, but over my decades as a pastor and then as a humanist celebrant, I’ve done hundreds of them, and I think that work is finished.
It took a bit of guesswork to find words of comfort, and I sometimes stumbled into dicey territory where my words were not only unhelpful but also emotionally triggering for people in the audience.
It was especially hard to find the right words when the family DIDN’T tell me some of the secrets that everyone but me knew.
Here’s what I mean:
When I relayed the lovely stories of a departed saint, only to find that the daughter he molested was in the audience listening, I could have avoided saying some painful things if I had known. Or when I was told how wonderful the young woman was, only to find out later how vicious she could be when she drank too much, which was often. Or the times when the family hated each other but tried to keep it a smoldering secret from me. I could have said something more helpful than how wonderful it is to have the support of a loving family during these times.
But there were also nice funerals, lots of them, where everyone loved the deceased. Stories could be shared with a little laughter as well as tears. Everyone hugged each other with genuine affection. It was a moment of grace and sweetness, but it still took a toll on me.
Over the years, the feelings of all these events piled up in my heart and never went away.
The final portion of the funeral posed its own difficulties:
The luncheon.
I felt a loneliness as the hired hand assigned to perform a touching ceremony for someone I didn’t know. Afterward, I was invited to stay for the meal following the service, but I didn’t know anyone. The family visited with each other, sharing common stories, while I sat alone to eat my food, waiting for an appropriate moment to get the hell away so I could go home and shed the weariness and sadness that never left me.
All the funerals had a cumulative effect on me, and tears can be triggered at the oddest times.
So, except for requests from family and personal friends, I think I’m done.
Deep Calls 