Written sometime in 2014, when I was still a minister, trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life.
I don’t like to be categorized. I grew up with fundamentalists I still love but have difficulty being friends with them. I don’t always like being pegged as a liberal theologian because there’s a lot of intellectual crap that comes from that camp, too. And while I resonate with many atheists these days, so many of them are just plain assholes, I’m sorry to say.
There’s no way to have a real conversation with folks in any of these groups. Everything is reduced to angry arguments, and no one is allowed to think. Every camp would try to define me in ways that are not accurate, even while I’m still sussing out what I think.
I can’t accept the image of the all-knowing, violent, but benevolent daddy of the heavens. But I still think there may be a spiritual component to life, and I’d like to inch my way through the darkness to find out about it, assuming it exists. And I’d like to do it without having to defend myself against multiple opponents.
I’m tired of conflict with people in church, theology, politics, and social justice issues. The battles in these arenas aren’t what I want to spend my time on. But I still want to help people.
But I need to convalesce for a while. Is that possible? Could loved ones and enemies alike leave me alone for just a while? I want to sit in the dark, away from all the craziness and violence that rages inside and outside of me, and have some quiet.
But I’m also tired of being alone, so… could I have some gentle people around me who like conversation, would share music, and look at art with me?
I wouldn’t do it for the rest of my life. There’s still fire in the belly, and someone will always need help. I want to be there for them.
But could I please rest a while?
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Addendum:
Nine years later, I’ve gotten some rest, and Sylvia shares conversation, music, and art with me. For someone who said he was tired, I have to admit that I like getting into a good argument these days. However, I’d much rather have good conversation.
Deep Calls 
I’m curious why you thought “many” atheists were “assholes”.
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Have you dealt with atheist communities? Most atheists are great people. But when I explored the blogs at that time, while the moderators were usually fair, is get clobbered for asking a question or daring to challenge an assumption. They weren’t nice. Now I have many good atheist friends who are kind, especially in the Central Florida Freethought community.
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Yes, I have. I did not experience what you evidently did.
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I’m glad you did and since then, so I have I.
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Thanks for sharing your journey. I’m at a stage where I’m very tired of the name calling and straw men arguments. I just find the “certainty” that both sides sling at each other problematic. I’m definitely on the atheist side, but I think we can all exercise a lot more humility and compassion when interacting with each other. Thanks again for share your blast from the past.
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Jesus said no one is good. Atheists reject God, yet others say they are good people
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Hi Guy. I’ve been looking at your comment and trying to understand your point but I’m confused
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There are people who say they have some atheists they are friends with and say they are good people. But Jesus said no one is good but God
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So, if I understand your assertion, you think I should not associate the word “good” with atheists. And in fact, we cannot use “good” to describe anyone or anything but God.
Where to begin?
You are referring to a story where Jesus told a rich young man that only God is good (Luke 18:18–30; Matthew 19:16–29; Mark 10:17–30).
First, as a former minister and trained theologian with an emphasis on Biblical literature (and also taught it in community college, I can tell you that no one knows for sure what Jesus meant when he made that statement. I’ve heard many a preacher and professor stumble in trying to explain this statement. For you to say we shouldn’t use this word at all makes no sense.
One of the problems with your interpretation is that the word “good” is a general term used in all kinds of contexts. Before we can limit its usage, we should have a clearer idea of what concept we’re talking about.
When I say that many atheists are good, I mean they are kind, conscientious, generous, loving, and practice moral virtues. If you don’t want me to use the word “good” to sum that up, do you have a better term?
If you are trying to say that atheists are all evil and wretched because they don’t believe in God…, well, I strenuously disagree with you, and I would challenge you to come up with a better argument than something Jesus may have said once. If truth is truth, you ought to be able to say it clearly and prove it with reason and evidence.
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